A Letter to Sam - My Spam Stalker

I have yahoo email. I love my yahoo email. I’ve had the same email address since I knew about email, i.e. a very long time. I have my spam filter set so spam is sent to a different folder since occasionally something I actually need to see goes to spam. I learned this when I applied to work/volunteer for the YMCA and didn’t hear back from them for a week. First I thought – holy crap, what in god’s name does it take to teach a friggin fitness class at the YMCA? I promptly did the Village People YMCA hand gesture over my head to show my enthusiasm. Then I checked my spam folder and voila! Needless to say, I now occasionally comb through copious amounts of shite to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Sam. I get about 20 emails every day from Sam. Sam has tried to say “Hi” in his subject line. Sam has asked if I want tickets to the Brittany Spears concert. Sam even wants to help enlarge my penis. I hate Sam. This is why I have decided that since he knows so much about me, I will assume he subscribes to my blog and will read this message.

Dear Sam,

First off I’d like to thank you for your devotion. I’ve had needy boyfriends, jealous boyfriends and clingy boyfriends, but none of them have written me 20-30 emails per day. Your persistence is impressive and I hope someday you’ll find a lady worthy of it. By reading that last sentence, you probably know what this letter is about.

I just can’t go on like this, Sam. You try too hard and are constantly offering me too much. Have some self-respect man! Don’t just give it away, a woman wants a man who is thoughtful and listens and gives specifically as such. If you’d have listened to me just once, you would know I can’t stand Brittany Spears, I don’t need a good deal on 24 carat gold earrings, I never entered a lottery in Venezuela and I don’t even have a penis you for some reason want to enlarge. I feel like you just aren’t paying attention to what I’m saying, Sam.

There’s another thing Sam. You really need to work on your spelling and grammar especially when it comes to your job. I realize this is the age of IM’s and text messages so things get abbreviated but I’m pretty sure your employer, Mr. Zamir Mgaoldiahgioy of Svengoliachtenstein wouldn’t appreciate the shoddy way you put together an email that’s going to all of his poor dead uncle’s heirs. I mean, think of the amount he’s paying you to find all of us! Not taking pride in your work is a real turn off, Sam.

And so, I must say farewell Sam. Please find another woman who needs a stronger e-male presence in her life. Someone who likes to receive an email from you every half hour on the half hour. Someone who loves concerts, has rich family dying in foreign countries, and has erectile dysfunction disorder. I know it’s hard to hear, but someday when you find Mrs. Right, you’ll thank me.

Sincerely,

Haley

P.S. Please don’t write