I have yahoo email. I love my yahoo email. I’ve had the same email address since I knew about email, i.e. a very long time. I have my spam filter set so spam is sent to a different folder since occasionally something I actually need to see goes to spam. I learned this when I applied to work/volunteer for the YMCA and didn’t hear back from them for a week. First I thought – holy crap, what in god’s name does it take to teach a friggin fitness class at the YMCA? I promptly did the Village People YMCA hand gesture over my head to show my enthusiasm. Then I checked my spam folder and voila! Needless to say, I now occasionally comb through copious amounts of shite to make sure I’m not missing anything.
Sam. I get about 20 emails every day from Sam. Sam has tried to say “Hi” in his subject line. Sam has asked if I want tickets to the Brittany Spears concert. Sam even wants to help enlarge my penis. I hate Sam. This is why I have decided that since he knows so much about me, I will assume he subscribes to my blog and will read this message.
Dear Sam,
First off I’d like to thank you for your devotion. I’ve had needy boyfriends, jealous boyfriends and clingy boyfriends, but none of them have written me 20-30 emails per day. Your persistence is impressive and I hope someday you’ll find a lady worthy of it. By reading that last sentence, you probably know what this letter is about.
I just can’t go on like this, Sam. You try too hard and are constantly offering me too much. Have some self-respect man! Don’t just give it away, a woman wants a man who is thoughtful and listens and gives specifically as such. If you’d have listened to me just once, you would know I can’t stand Brittany Spears, I don’t need a good deal on 24 carat gold earrings, I never entered a lottery in Venezuela and I don’t even have a penis you for some reason want to enlarge. I feel like you just aren’t paying attention to what I’m saying, Sam.
There’s another thing Sam. You really need to work on your spelling and grammar especially when it comes to your job. I realize this is the age of IM’s and text messages so things get abbreviated but I’m pretty sure your employer, Mr. Zamir Mgaoldiahgioy of Svengoliachtenstein wouldn’t appreciate the shoddy way you put together an email that’s going to all of his poor dead uncle’s heirs. I mean, think of the amount he’s paying you to find all of us! Not taking pride in your work is a real turn off, Sam.
And so, I must say farewell Sam. Please find another woman who needs a stronger e-male presence in her life. Someone who likes to receive an email from you every half hour on the half hour. Someone who loves concerts, has rich family dying in foreign countries, and has erectile dysfunction disorder. I know it’s hard to hear, but someday when you find Mrs. Right, you’ll thank me.
Sincerely,
Haley
P.S. Please don’t write
Friday, January 2, 2009
Limerickal Assassins
You know how you’re just driving along listening to the radio and all of a sudden a song comes on that’s like nails down a chalkboard that’s been stapled to Rosie O’Donnell’s ass? (graphic, I know). I have here a short list of songs I’m done with:
· Any song dealing with Route 66. You can sing it raspy, soft, rock & rolly or bluegrass but ain’t nothing going to make that song not suck. Oh I’m sure when it first came out in 1946 it was akin to “the hard stuff” as far as music went, it was in fact the cocaine of music even. Since then it’s been bastardized in so many ways that it walks with a limp and is asking 6 different other songs for child support. Stop with this song, it’s been done.
· Any song that literally counts. I mean really? You can’t think of any more clever lyrics than 1, 2, 3 look at me. 4, 5, 6 get your kicks, 7, 8, 9 STOP IT! Whenever I hear those mind numbing lyrics I hear 1, 2, 3 I can’t rhyme 4, 5, 6 would you like fries with that? If you have to rely on numbers to rhyme with in your songs, you’re not an artist – you’re an accountant.
· Songs that have lyrics that don’t contain actual words. There’s a song out right now that I believe is called “Just Dance” (how original). The chorus goes something like this “… just dance, da-da do-do, just dance…” Really? What’s worse, no one cares what they dance to anyway so people are just singing and dancing away to this crap. I’m probably just jealous that I can’t let go of actually paying attention to these things and just… ummm… dance. Ooooh I’m an artist!
Other music related items that should be paid attention to and/or fixed:
· Any DJ that plays dance or R&B music that wears a turtleneck should be stopped immediately. You have no business playing, buying or listening to rap or R&B music if you wear turtlenecks nor do you have any business thinking you’re cool.
· Live bands playing WAY too loud. I was recently at Waldo’s here in Washington attending a charity event night. There were 3 bands playing, they were all too loud. They didn’t sound good to begin with and they didn’t sound any better at 150 decibels. Here’s another tip – enunciate. Most people have no idea what you’re saying. Also if you’re at a place called Waldo’s, don’t keep saying over and over again “where’s Waldo’s”, it’s not clever or funny no matter how drunk the crowd (except for the stupid blonde with the camera who is probably your girlfriend).
Did I miss anything?
· Any song dealing with Route 66. You can sing it raspy, soft, rock & rolly or bluegrass but ain’t nothing going to make that song not suck. Oh I’m sure when it first came out in 1946 it was akin to “the hard stuff” as far as music went, it was in fact the cocaine of music even. Since then it’s been bastardized in so many ways that it walks with a limp and is asking 6 different other songs for child support. Stop with this song, it’s been done.
· Any song that literally counts. I mean really? You can’t think of any more clever lyrics than 1, 2, 3 look at me. 4, 5, 6 get your kicks, 7, 8, 9 STOP IT! Whenever I hear those mind numbing lyrics I hear 1, 2, 3 I can’t rhyme 4, 5, 6 would you like fries with that? If you have to rely on numbers to rhyme with in your songs, you’re not an artist – you’re an accountant.
· Songs that have lyrics that don’t contain actual words. There’s a song out right now that I believe is called “Just Dance” (how original). The chorus goes something like this “… just dance, da-da do-do, just dance…” Really? What’s worse, no one cares what they dance to anyway so people are just singing and dancing away to this crap. I’m probably just jealous that I can’t let go of actually paying attention to these things and just… ummm… dance. Ooooh I’m an artist!
Other music related items that should be paid attention to and/or fixed:
· Any DJ that plays dance or R&B music that wears a turtleneck should be stopped immediately. You have no business playing, buying or listening to rap or R&B music if you wear turtlenecks nor do you have any business thinking you’re cool.
· Live bands playing WAY too loud. I was recently at Waldo’s here in Washington attending a charity event night. There were 3 bands playing, they were all too loud. They didn’t sound good to begin with and they didn’t sound any better at 150 decibels. Here’s another tip – enunciate. Most people have no idea what you’re saying. Also if you’re at a place called Waldo’s, don’t keep saying over and over again “where’s Waldo’s”, it’s not clever or funny no matter how drunk the crowd (except for the stupid blonde with the camera who is probably your girlfriend).
Did I miss anything?
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