Semper Thigh

Most of you don’t know this about me as I’ve tried to keep a handle on it my whole life – I’m a hairy, hairy lady. Honestly, if I didn’t pluck my eyebrows, I’d have just the one. If I didn’t wax my upper lip, I’d have a mustache that would rival your Aunt Gertrude’s. If I didn’t shave my legs, let’s just say I went camping once and now there’s a photographer out there who thinks Bigfoot exists.

All that being said, I was out at my favorite tanning place a few weeks back and was waiting for my bed to open up. No, I’m not a tanning fanatic I just like to see some form of light that’s supposed to mimic the sun once in a while. In Oregon, that’s been a pretty tall order lately. Anyhoo the tanning place I go is half tanning place, half medi-spa. The manager knew I’d asked about laser hair removal a week prior and came up to me and said they were having a contest that day and she was going to make me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I chuckled as she asked me which locations on my body I’d wanted the procedure done. I let her know I’d been looking into a Brazilian laser hair removal and one for under my arms if I liked how the Brazilian one turned out. She let me know she’d have an offer waiting for me when I got out of my bed. Long story even longer – she made me an offer I couldn’t refuse for both my underarms and my lady-bits and yesterday was my first treatment.

For those of you who don’t know, there is a process involved even before you get zapped with a laser. You must grow the hair in the area you wish to have treated for 2 full weeks then the day before the treatment, you can shave the area. The day before I shaved, I looked like a 1970’s French Porn Star, it was unnerving. Too much? Yeah, it was for me too.

When I went in for the treatment, I was told by the front desk receptionist that they were going to do my underarms and only do a consultation for the other area. Oohhhh NO lady, I didn’t just go through all of that for nothing! “There’s no way you’re not doing this whole thing today” I calmly but firmly let her know. Luckily the laser hair removal technician lady was up front and let me know that they’d run out of the numbing gel they generally use to do the procedure so they thought it might be a little too uncomfortable to do both areas. “Bring it on” was my response. After all, as my marine friends like to say “Pain is just fear leaving the body” – Hoorah!

Before the procedure even began, the laser technician lady let me know that she’s tried to do this procedure with at least 4 other women that week and all of them cried and had to stop her. “Awesome” I thought, that doesn’t make me nervous at all. So I braced myself when the laser was placed under my right arm and then… a little warm zap. I was almost disappointed that the pain wasn’t even close to what I thought it should be. She finished both of my arms in less than 15 minutes. The other area - that took a little more time. And I did let out a more than audible “woohhoo” a few times when the laser zapped some of my most private areas, but all-in-all, it was nothing.

So now a little middle aged brunette lady officially knows parts of me much better than 90% of the men I’ve dated. This woman had me in more positions than the last Cirque de Soliel act I saw on OPB. Thank God I stretch everyday because that little lady worked me. The only thing missing from the experience was her yelling “who’s your mommy!” Disturbingly enough, I was impressed.

One point for you laser lady. And one procedure down, 7 more to go. Yeah, and I’m paying for this too. I must have a screw loose. Which way to the nearest Yoga studio?