Sole Caliber

September 11, 2009

For those of you who have been reading my blog for some time, this is going to be total déjà vu for you. I assure you I don’t regularly get massages, in fact – the last time I had one was when I wrote my “Massage Masochism” blog about a year ago. That being said, here we go again.

So there’s a new trend (or at least it’s new to me) on the eastside – super cheap foot massages. $25 will get you one full hour of a foot massage. They only spend about 20 minutes total on your feet and the rest of the time they massage the rest of you. The reason it’s so cheap is mostly because of the style of massage and of course the fact that you’re fully clothed and are sitting in a big comfy recliner along with 20 other people in their big comfy recliners in the same room. Not exactly a private setting, but for a full hour of massage for only $25, you’re prepared to make some sacrifices.

Best place I’ve been to for this service so far – Beijing Herbal Foot Massage in Kirkland, WA. I’ve consistently had the warm fuzzies after leaving this place. They play traditional Chinese music softly in the background (and some classical), the chairs are comfortable, the staff is quiet and polite and each person I’ve had a treatment from has had a great touch and seems to know roughly the right pressure to give. I’ve been there several times and will continue to come back.

I did not go to Beijing Herbal Foot Massage last night. I went to some place in Bellevue. Here’s what happened.

Chairs were great, even better than the other place. The music started off okay being Bryan Adams “Everything I do, I do it for you”, until I heard it twice within 20 minutes and then a third time by some chick who re-did it and should thereby be shot.

The staff is very nice and polite… before they get their hands on you. Once Whitney and I sat down there was no “hello, do you need a soft or firm touch, do you have any missing or broken appendages…” none of that. I sat down, they brought a tub of warm water to soak my feet in (great) and then grabbed my arm with one hand and drove his elbow so far into my shoulder I thought I was getting a transplant and he was my donor (not so great).

For those who have yet to experience a typical Chinese style massage – this is not atypical. It is a more aggressive style but often times the massage therapists choose not to use their entire body weight to dig into one appendage. My massage therapist chose to waive that option.

Once my shoulders had been sufficiently pummeled, he moved on to my feet. A lot of massage and particularly this style of massage are about pressure points. This guy dug his knuckle so far into the soft middle of my foot, I think I temporarily went deaf. I tasted purple. On the second foot he was kind enough to notice my eyelids squeezing together and the grimace on the rest of my face and politely asked “too hard?” “Umm yes, a little” I managed to whimper. To complete my foot “massage” he punched my heels and slapped the balls of my feet so hard I felt like I owed him child support.

After he was done with my feet, I was told to flip over and he started on my back.

I think this guy’s picture is on the wall at the nearest battered women’s shelter. There was a mixture of elbows, knuckles, and open hand slapping that occurred on various portions of my back. Every time he’d come down with an elbow he’d put his entire body weight onto that specific point. There were times I thought he brought over a friend to help put even more weight on this pressure point. On the bright side, various parts of my body touched each other that’d never previously made contact. My spine was like “well hello left nipple, at last we meet!” Each time he put his whole body into it, he’d mutter something in Chinese which I can only imagine was something to the effect of “take it, take it, take it white devil!” But my Chinese is a little rough, so you’ll have to excuse if that’s not the literal translation.

For the last 5 minutes of the massage I just couldn’t stop giggling. I laugh when I have to endure long periods of pain. I grimace for about the first 10 minutes and then I just start chuckling. This ordeal was my sister’s treat so when we got back to the car I told her I couldn’t believe she paid $25 to have me beaten up.

Next time I want to get the snot beat out of me, I’ll save my sister the money and just go to prison.