The Douchepocalypse

8/8/2011

Well it finally happened; the cast of Jersey Shore just showed up on our beach. Let me clarify – Josh and I are in Mexico again for our birthdays this year. We needed a vacation from all of our vacations (FYI – Europe is an “experience” not a “vacation. There is a HUGE difference). We were on our way down from our room this morning and headed to the beach (as per the usual for us) we turned the corner where we were immediately met by a face full of equal parts video camera and douchebaggary. We moved off to the side and headed on to our intended destination while the group of 6 (3 couples) were shown to their rooms, videotaping all the way.
A couple of hours later we headed up from the beach to grab some linner (lunch and dinner?) and were seated with a great view of the side of the pool and ocean. The douchetorage descended down up on the area like the foretold douchepocalypse as was written in the scriptures of Massengail.

It was an onslaught of tattoos, faux Armani sunglasses, gold jewlery and loud swimwear. I’ve never seen a bikini look slutty; well done Snookery, well done. For those of you who don’t know how bikinis can look trashy, you wear your bikini with a tube top that instead of wearing over your chest, you’ve made it a skirt that doesn’t cover your butt cheeks. And all this I can accept but am still bothered that some poor spandex cheetah had to die to make her swimsuit happen (insert choir singing “The Circle of Life”).

They have been here for approximately 2-hours and have already been refused service at one of the restaurants (keep in mind this is ALL-INCLUSIVE) due to their shirtlessness. Awesome! I can’t wait to see what’s really going to be on the menu for tonight’s dinner service (and how many more spandex jungle animals were ruthlessly hunted down and bludgeoned by a fake Gucci bag). There is a special Caribbean festival buffet thingo on the beach tonight and I will be anxious to see the douchebaggetts try to walk on this powdery sand in whatever 5” hooker heals they will inevitably be wearing.

I must admit, I’m bummed that this is our last full day and night here at the resort. Things just got real… Orange.

In all reality, I would probably get annoyed relatively quickly if they would have been here the whole time. The beach just went from a quiet, breezy oasis where I got to read my Tina Fey “Bossypants” book in peace, to a yelling, swearing beach club where the crows defecating is a topic of conversation and guffaws.
And holy 7 lb 5 oz baby Jesus!!! The crows got to their food while they were in the water. They just got back. One of the guys picked up the hot dog he’d ordered and said “the bird was eating the other end” and promptly started eating the other side! Are you kidding me??!!

They’ve been forking over $20 bills to the waiter like they were used napkins. Josh said he saw one of them give the events guy $1K and said “we want to do everything”… this explains a lot. Someone in the party just came into a lot of money. One of the girls just laughed and admitted to her nickname is “Tara Reid” after a conversation about doing an 8-ball in the morning (or “8-bwol” as they called it). It’s amazing they made it out of their own butts and down to Cancun for this little celebration they’re having. I’ve never heard 6 people out volume the OCEAN.

Farewell Cancun, enjoy your new not-so-fresh feeling.