D) None of the Above

I know you know this person. This is the person who you see everyday and wonder if God put them on this earth specifically to test YOU.

She sits on the other side of my miserable cube. I have no idea what department that is and that information will be necessary for when I set it on fire.

Everyday for approximately 2-3 hours she clears her throat (yes, I'm high-strung, we've established this). Over and over and over every damn day the same throat clearing happens. I'm in a constant state of amazement that a person would be physically capable of having that much crap in the back of their throat to clear.

What's worse is that it's for no reason, all she does is randomly clear her throat and then not talk. Why clear your throat if you're not going to use it? On the flip side, even when she does use it its only use is for random acts of mind-numbing stupidity. "You know we used those Styrofoam weights in our water class the other day. Usually we don't use those but the instructor told us to use them then. It was different. That instructor taught our class a couple of weeks ago because Jennifer was sick, he's okay but I didn't know about the Styrofoam weights…" Oh my God, kill me!

Not only does she clear her throat for hours on end and discuss crap that would make George W. sound like a MENSA candidate, she is also the woman who sits in the lunchroom and reads while she eats and constantly nods her head at what she's reading wishing to solicit passers by to inquire "hey, whatcha reading there?" Well lady I've got news for you, I will not bight!!! I don't care what you agree with unless is a new cure for phlegm!

I hate it when people do that. You know they are acting and reacting the way they are because they want you to ask them "what's wrong" or "what's going on over there". Again people, listen up! I'm not friggin' bighting!

Even recently there was a lady on the MAX with her arm in a sling who boarded at the airport, as I had just minutes before her. Not only did she sit in the closest possible seat to me on a relatively empty train but she started up with those laborious sighs and "oh if only someone would ask me about my injuries so I could bore the snot out of them for the next half hour with my pitiful life stories and woes. Woe oh woe is me!" kind of groans. I refused to buy into it. On the downhill side of that one, I ended up talking to an elderly drunken Mexican fellow for the next 10 minutes. It took me that long to figure out he didn't speak English.

Other people who are put on this earth to test me are as follows, but not limited to:
• Anyone who pops their collar – you are the biggest douchebag on the vast scale of douchbaggary. You are able to write entire chapters in the douchebag dictionary solely based on your life's experience. You should be sponsored by Massengale. Your friend who wears his visor sideways can write the footnotes. And a quick note to you, stop using so much gel!

• Girls whose bellies spill over their pants – lemme tell you something sweetheart, just because your butt can physically fit into those jeans doesn't mean any of it looks good. If you're sporting the muffin effect, buy a size up, k? And a quick note to you, if you stop having children after you've already had 5, this may help you tone down the tummy, just a thought.

• People who repeat the punch line right after it's already been said – we heard it and thought it was funny, when you say it, it is no longer funny it is the opposite of funny. Stop it, you are ruining the funny everywhere you go, this is why your mother refers to you as "what's his name".

This has been a public service announcement by Haley.